Thursday, February 7, 2013

Granny`s Cooking

Granny`s like`s a little tipple, well ours does. 
One night granny whilst we were out Granny decided she would try and cook herself some tea. In the kitchen stood a big old cooker. Granny often sat knitting whilst use younger ones did the cooking cleaning, ironing and washing up. All household chores in fact 
She had no idea how to use the big old cooker. She sat mesmerised by all the buttons. Scratching her head she reached for her tipple which was in the chiller. What was she going to cook emmm............ she though maybe fish and chips.
 Opening the freezer she took out the frozen chips and a nice piece of battered fish she found inside, not forgetting the frozen peas too. 
It was time for a short rest she was so tired after reaching in the old freezer, it was quite cold in that freezer so she decided it was time for another tipple to warm her cockles. 
Next she rummaged in the cupboards finding the the baking try and a nice old tin pan for the peas. That  was a task in itself  time for another quick tipple before switching the oven on!
The fish was now in the oven and the peas on top of this great big stove now time to light lit. Now do not forget Granny like to knit so she had no idea how to light the stove.
Reaching into the cupboard she took out the matches.
 Striking one she let it burn down to her fingers before finding the knob on the cooker. 
Second match she stuck it with force it snapped. 
Third match third time lucky, the match was lit she had also found the cooker knob too. 
Things were looking up, then she suddenly realised after living with her daughter, son in law and a few dozen kids for the last 16 years the cooker was electric you did not need a match.
Well of course it was time for another tipple after all trying to light an electric stove with a match was so very tiresome. 
We with hunger pains now in her tummy she was determined to get it right this time. she turned the knob on the cooker. Bingo it came to life with the noise of a wearing fan spinning inside somewhere. Another knob turned and heat came from somewhere upon the top of this big old cooker. Whilst dinner was cooking it was time for another tipple she read her book at the table. The words were a little  bleary she thought to herself maybe it was time she went to get a new pair. She decided to leave a little note on the kitchen table to remind herself and her daughter she was probably in need of a new set of spectacles  Her dinner had been in for some time she tried to check her watch but that was a little bleary too !  
She had only had another couple of tipples whilst sitting down she tried to check her watch again the number seemed slightly out of focus, she defiantly needed a new pair of spectacles. 
She went to the cooker opened the door oven gloves on. She placed all the food on the plate and sat down to eat. Yes you guessed with another little tipple. Gosh this fish is hard as she tried to cut into it. It was still as frozen as when it was in the freezer, so where the chips and the peas. Oh Dear what had she done. 
Going over to inspect the old cooker that had been in the same house she had for the last 16 years she found out the problem after looking closely without the glasses on. There were different button`s for different parts of the cooker. Instead of the grill she had switched on the oven, instead of the front ring she had switched on the back. New glasses were needed. 
Now totally exhausted by her attempt to make herself some tea after 16 years of being waited on hand and foot she reached for the fridge. 
She had ran out of tipple and defiantly needed just another tipple more. As she opened the fridge a huge plate of fish, chips and peas sat on the shelf. Her other opened bottle of tipple sat in the door tray. Trying to focus she looked at the plate of fish and chip there was a note attached. 
The note was in huge large writing which she could make out just.
It read 
" Dear Granny, you were asleep before we left after your glass of tipple. Your knitting was still in your hand and you had lost a couple of stitches we thought it best not to disturb you so we left you this note." 
" This is your dinner all you have to do is pop it into the microwave  and press the number 4 and start." 
We have left the bottle of wine for when we come in later in the chiller we have taken the kids to the cinema be back really soon enjoy your tea.
In the door there is a little bit more of your tipple for you to enjoy."
When the family came home a bit later, they found Granny asleep at the kitchen table head in hands. It was a good job the chair had sides. On the table there was one plate of fish and chips at one side and an empty plate to the other. An empty bottle of red wine and also the empty bottle of Granny`s tipple. They also found a very drunken Granny at the kitchen table. The moral  of this story is do not leave a Granny in charge of a cooker or with any bottle of Granny`s tipple in sight at all. You can be sure  it will have vanished when you return!

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