Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Daniel, Its Been 6 Years

It does not seem like 6 yrs ago my little boys heart stopped beating. We watched as he slipped away  and closed his eyes forever. 
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you New Years Eve and all the reminders take its toll throughout the day. I can be so bad tempered on a day like this, on a very short fuse, as I fight to keep the tears away. 
I find myself watching the clock and remembering your final hours of life on this earth. You died at 6pm New Years Eve 2007 age 10 years old. 
I new in my heart you had had enough we had to let you go. You went so peaceful despite my fear of what might have happened. Aaron, Myself, Nana and the girls from Hope House Hospice were present at Alder Hey Liverpool as you drifted into another place. 
Its is also my dads birthday today maybe your partying with the Angels looking down and thinking Mother you silly old moo.
Daniel I miss you every day of my life I always will. I live with the comfort that you are out of pain. No more suffering and you are at peace. I believe your in a better place somewhere over the rainbow although you visit in spirit sometimes we feel you we hear you and your smell is very present. God Bless my little Daniel look after your big brother Callum. Till we meet again my boys love always xxxx

Monday, December 30, 2013

Ponies In Winter

I think this picture is lovely so picturesque. To little fluffy ponies that both remind me of old friends infact all these little animals remind me of creature from my childhood. The ponies one is similar to my old pony Pepi, he was a Dales black as night full of mischief. The other reminds me of my cousins pony Brandy. The dogs the beagle Kelly a little dog I used to walk as a child for an old lady and the collie a friend of mine had two this colour and another friend still has one. The pussy cat is similar to the one that lived next door Chee Chee. 
Its a magical scene of perfection in the snow a sweet robin red breast sits on the fence post tweeting softly watching the other animals closely. I would love to know who the artist was who did this  adorable picture. 

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Wind Does Blow

My god and did the wind blow. Its the middle of the night. Wide awake and prowling. The noise of the wind as it whistles around the outside of the house is frightening. The usual thing I am worrying what damage will lie ahead as the dusk breaks into dawn. The rain battered against the windows. There was no way I could sleep with this going on. Armed with the dog and a torch we trotted off outside to check on the chickens. The car port was lifting and rattling in the wind. How the devil the plastic corrugated sheeting was staying on was beyond me. The chicken shed was still in the same place It had been lashed down by Aaron and Simon with posts and rope. I was worrying about my poor babies being outside my 12 chucks and 2 cockerels all tucked up amongst the hay. I expected Mr Jingle to be in bed checking the stable roof I did not want to disturb him. He would be fine. I decided to put the kettle on as it got to a reasonable hour after 6am. Making all the others in the house a cuppa. Most where sound asleep. I checked the top floor for any tile of water coming through nothing the valley end of the house was being hammered. A the top of the house which is in the gods by hek the wind did sound quite scary. Hail battered the window sounding like it was about to crack the glass. All was fine so pottered off back down the stairs to find my cuppa. Before settling down did one last check with the torch outside checking the rest of the buildings before waiting for the light of the day to come. I also took Nana a cuppa upon leaving the room as she was up on the loo as usual there was a huge flash that lit the room and and almighty bang. Bloody Hell armed with the torch all that went through my head was  the animals outside I went again bang flash another. My god where we being invaded by aliens Id seen war of the worlds. Then I heard a voice squawking at me  `get bloody inside you fool`. It was my 84 yr old mum at the door. It was thundering and lightening no aliens as I thought. Not sure what I would of done if it was only armed with a dog and a torch. I got a bit of a dressing down how dangerous it was being out there with such harsh weather avowed. I settled down for my cuppa. As it got light the weather was still pounding the house from all angels. If it carried on 12 chickens 2 cockerels and a pony would be coming in the house. As the light came I went outside to let the chucks out taking Mr Jingles breakfast. I popped my head around the stable door he was not there. The bloody fool was standing out in it. I scanned the field no sign of him looking over to the veranda still no sign. I stated to panic. The gates were shut padlocked all the fences were still up were the hell was he. After a short time flapping I spotted him under the hedge with him being the same colour he was hard to see. Dear me I don`t half worry. Meanwhile the chucks were waiting for there fodder a bit reluctant to enter the outside world cant say I blamed them. 
The day was one of the worst for weather I have seen. We went though every weather there could be rain, sleet, snow, wind, sun, and hail. The ground was waterlogged. Ebay had been busy so we headed up to do my posting. The roads were terrible water everywhere. In front of the Green Inn the little stream that runs very quaintly in front of this country pub was running a torrent flooding the main road. I was glad to get home nearly needed a canoe. Thankfully the storm passed during the evening. Time to chill.   

Boxing Day Memories

Today we find ourselves heading to Shrewsbury as a family of 4. Nana wrapped up warm were off to see her old pal Simon`s mum & Aaron's step granny Nana Buckley.
Its been a frosty start cold but the sun has finally managed to push through the low laying cloud  to start a glorious morning.
The chickens are pecking at their corn they have already layed 3 eggs.
Mr Jingles is happy munching his hay all tucked up warm in his stable he takes a little time out from hay munching to investigate what I have put in his bucket, a carrot apple and slice of bread. He looks up at his cherry lick has a nibble. ( that was his Christmas present yesterday ) we have a contented little pony.
Meanwhile before leaving for Shrewsbury I get some work done Ebay screaming at me to get courier and postage labels done for tomorrow. The washing machine pings to tell me its done so we brave the frosted elements and venture out to hang it on the car port washing line. ( The beauty of out house the washing lines undercover so rain doesn't stop play bring it on I say ! )
Reg the dog has his ball so exercise time for him as he bounces around what a good catch. A plate of biccies awaits him on his return to the warm. The cat, parrot and fish r fed. The twiggies have a spray of water. So off we go to were the story began.
The roads to Shrewsbury are a little icy with the car flashing minus 2 brrrr rather chilly.
Soon the weather warmed up. We dropped Nana off at the home where Nannie Buckley is staying. For s short while the home gained another inmate as me Simon and Aaron headed into town for a few hours. Bargain hunt under way and didn't we find some bargains  next I love you nice new onesie for me along with some winter warmers. The boy's managed to get some goodies too although Aaron and I had visited  ten different shops whilst Simon was still in HMV. Thrilled with our goodies we headed back to the car and back to the two nannies.
Shrewsbury is a lovely town seemingly a lot like Chester but bit smaller. The town is medieval with a ghostly feel.
Back at the home we settled down to a little boxing day brunch with the other inmates oops sorry residents.  It was really nice big thank you to the staff for inviting us.
The day went fairly quickly as the darkness of the evening crept in.
Popping in to see Aunt Em`s before heading home to feed the animals and settling down to home made chicken curry watching boxing day TV. A good chilled out day had by all.

Just glad of the happy memories of today. Life has not been easy.

In contrast to previous years if deeply offended do not read on my boxing day sadness of 6 yrs ago haunts me to this day and will do for the rest of my earthly life. Below Daniel`s boxing day story 

Daniel lay in his bed in ICU at Alder Hey Children's Hospital Liverpool.  Hooked up to life support unable to breath unaided. He could take 7 breaths off the ventilator on his own not enough to sustain life. His life was hanging in the balance. I longed for good news but it never came. The doctors had managed to retrieve his liver to stop him bleeding out. He was hooked to dialysis without anesthetic to see if they could gain response from his lifeless body. At one point the line into his leg bled so much he was having blood transfusion after another. Eventually a skilled surgeon managed to stitch it up.
The shear horror I felt seeing my little boy so helpless needles lines everywhere I could do nothing to help him except suction all the gunk away. It was my biggest ever nightmare a place I never wanted to be. My Daniel was the life and soul of the party a child so full of life and determination.  I cried that many tears felt such sadness. Dan had so much to live for. Sometimes it felt like I wasn't there a dream of the most horrific proportion possible. 
Aaron was with me by now we were given a room at Ronald McDonald House. Please support McDonald's with this charity effort I really do not now what I would have done without them. We also had a direct phone line to ICU from our room.
I was in a daze lack of sleep exhaustion prevailed the nurses ordered me to rest. 
Hope house hospice were also fantastic along with my family aids. The came to and from the hospital took Aaron out to cinema just to take his mind off things. Aaron was 9 yrs old at the time
It was late boxing day night when we retired to the room. Both of us fell fast asleep.
It was 3 am I woke with a start the room felt strange. I felt the feeling of peace. Daniel was in the room. I could feel him his presence I could feel his aroma in the room surroundings the bed. It was 3am I new something was wrong.  
I grabbed the phone a nurse answered she said they were loosing him again she would phone me back.
Stuff that ! dragging Aaron out of bed  we headed straight to Daniel. His heart was fading the drugs were being upped to help maintain the heart beat. 
Aaron curled up on the chair I held Daniel's hand willing him to live. He was squeezing my hand. The nurse said he can't to that he was she felt it too.
I believe now at 3am on the 27th of December Daniel actually died him coming to the room squeezing of my hand it was his way of saying goodbye.  I hold comfort in that.
The days that followed Daniel never responded again he deteriorated by the day.

Christmas Day

Well they were off ripping paper early in the morning. Did my best to sneak down before them all to have a peaceful cup of tea but it was not to be. I heard the tiny patter of footsteps behind me as Aaron followed me into the bathroom whilst I was taking great care to brush my teeth.
Aaron had set his alarm for 6am but I had managed to sneak in and turn the bloody thing off so he would sleep a little while longer.
So the hen on hot bricks was down stairs clucking to open his presents. Not yet I told him you will have to wait so off he goes up the stairs to harass poor Simon who is not at his best these days. Nana had the same treatment. Aaron managed to scare himself to death and has now been scared for life after walking in on her trying to get dressed. Alas off I go to help the aged. Whilst in there I felt he needed a little lesson.
Bringing in one of his presents or so he thought I said you can open this one whilst you wait. He opened it carefully feeling a little guilty as he would not wait. Ah ah  I had the last laugh as he opened up to find a note " a smiling face with guess what your gonna love your prezzies " that will teach him. He was on the verge of strangling me when Simon walked in.
Settling down off with the paper gosh we had some nice presents. Aaron was spoilt as usual many a gift punch bag to a wonderful chance to drive not one but two super cars Ferrari & Lamborghini here we come. Can not wait for that one, he also got lots of bits and bobs including some pennies to spend at his leisure.
Simon got the DVD set he wanted DR Who also some slippers. I got some books perfumes socks and chocolates. Very Happy.
Nana of course was the other spoilt brat in the house. Lots of Boyzone stuff and Gary Barlow both of hum she would love to molester. She also got liquorice all sorts and a couple of nighties not forgetting the bottle of Taboo. One smiling old granny.
The animals did not miss out either Mr Jingle a cherry lick, the chickens two seedy licks, sooty furball treats, fish an extra pinch of fish food, the twiggies an leaf and spray of water and then Jake. Ah Jake is my Amazon green parrot he got a seed treat for Christmas. I have had him for over 20 years and he continues to be savage for some reason only he knows. I went to place the seed treat in his cage. We grabbed my index finger in his beak oh dear was the thought that ran through my head. I was about to be minus a finger naughty birdy. ( birdy : Simons first thought it the gorgeous Ivy Paige look her up on facebook ) she is rather cute wink wink.
Well to my amazement my finger remained intact. I blew him a kiss as Aaron squawked mum seeing my finger in the parrots beak. He is my buddy after all. Reg got a few treats firstly some denta sticks as his breath is not to be desired especially when he gets the taste for horse poo. Sometime`s he has a feast when were not looking.
With the animals treated it was on to the Christmas dinner I must say this was one of the best meals Simon and I have ever prepared it was delicious. Thumbs up all around. It was great to chill out later I even got to watch the Queens speech. Blissful afternoon and evening had by all.

A lovely Christmas day for 2013 great to have happy memories of Christmas. Some have been etched with heartache which has sliced through my heart. Story`s of Christmas sadness follow if your offended please do not read on.

Its amazing how good times fade away yet the bad thinks haunt you forever.

It was Christmas Eve 1989, Dad had ran out of Oxygen  all the tanks where empty. Looking back I was a fool not to realise something was a miss I had only just picked them up. We called an ambulance which took him in to Arrow Park. I followed in the car a short time later to pick mum up. 
Dad was always a moaner he was chuntering how he was dying, he would say that often but he was only 65 yrs old. He suffered from munachocous, asbestosis,  dust on the lungs and lots of other things. He had been in and out of hospital all through my childhood. I had watched him bleed from the lungs since the age of 3. He was poorly finding it hard to breath most of the time. My dad had never smoked.
He was still chuntering it was always banter between us. Many a time we played tricks on each other. As I got older I used to pin rude pictures above his bed minutes before the doctors called. He was a worrier and hated things going wrong. Suppose that is where I get some of my anxiety from as I hate  things going wrong find it hard to cope.
A time I remember well was in my teens when I was changing the Oxygen cylinder. Un screwing it there was a loud whoosshhh. The cylinder was a little faulty. The whoosshhh hit the ceiling. The in thing back then was polystyrene tiles on the ceiling. To my horror around 4 - 5 tiles came floating down around my head and landed on the bed. My dad may have been sick but by hec he could moan. He was throwing a fit at me but sadly I was by now doubled up in laughter.
Meanwhile back at the hospital Dad was his usual self grumping and groaning he was missing what was on television. He was still moaning ohh am gonna die. So true to form I turned to him and said "well bloody hell its Christmas day tomorrow so you cant go them the next day is boxing day so am afraid your going to have to wait till the day after "  He grinned at the humour. 
It was not long after the sister on the ward was getting agitated. So we had to leave pecking a kiss goodbye I said see you tomorrow.
It was 5 am Christmas morning the phone rang. It was the sister from the hospital she went on to say your dads not to well love can you come up the she said am sorry he has just died on the phone. I was in complete shock. I am still shocked to this day that she told me this on the phone one second he was unwell the next he had died. It was something no one could have for seen. He passed ever so quickly after suffering for so long in front of my eyes.
Shocked I went to wake my mum what could I say to her. I told her we had to go to the hospital. She was panicking there must be something really wrong for them to send for us. I could not speak the words she would have never wanted to hear. Driving the car I tried hard I had arranged before waking her for her brother to meet us there. I was only young I had no idea what to do.
I tried to prepare her in the life going up all the way I had been saying how unwell he was how he would be out of pain. I finally manage to say the words Dad has died as the lift rose to the floor dad was on. My uncle met us as the lift opened.
The rest of the day was a blur we had many visitors throughout. Life would never be the same again. My dad was gone and it was Christmas day 1989.

I never thought a Christmas time could ever get any worse but it did !

If you have been reading my previous blogs you will have read about Daniel at some point. Daniel was 10yrs old its Christmas Day 2007. Daniel has been in ICU at Alder Hey Children`s Hospital for 2 days. 
He is still critical. Today they have managed to get a couple of his organs functioning after the multi organ failure. Its still not looking good. A doctor takes me aside and asks if I would be willing to donate his organs. He tells me to think about it. Its Christmas day I am totally confused etched with such grief. I am thinking of it if the worst happens. But then I think about the machines they will take his organs without turning them off. But this is Daniel how do I no He will not wake up if  the machines are switched off. In the back of my mind I know Daniel if he wanted to live he would wake. 
I am also aware that he would want to save the lives of others if he could. Thankfully at the end it was a decision I would never have to make as his organs were of not use they had died with him. During this time it had never crossed my mind that Daniel`s brain may have died. After the first scan I thought all was well. Little did I no that whilst watching Daniel`s brain was slowly dying piece by piece. The hospital could not be sure as it was to soon to tell by scans. Its only afterwards you realise what was truly happening.
The hospital tried there hardest to make it a good Christmas day for us. They game Daniel an I pod docking station sid the snake I treasure him to this day. Along with some of the presents I took up for him to open. I treasure and always will treasure the new teletubbies I got for him that Christmas. I sat them on his pillow. They played there tunes. I willed Daniel to wake up but he continued to sleep.
Aaron was truly amazing during this time he was with me throughout the ordeal he watched the brother he loved fade away in front of us both. This Christmas was a blur of tears helplessness and shear heart ache. 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas At The Castle : Magical Chirk Castle At Christmas

There is nothing more magical than a traditional Christmas. Recently we visited Chirk Castle, it was absolutely beautiful. Dressed traditional, the trouble with Christmas these days is far more commercialised with the euphemists on buying expensive presents. Visiting Chirk Castle is like walking back into the past we wandered through the rooms which were just breath taking all dressed in their festive glory. After our wander we went to the restaurant were we where served with the most delicious beef stew, herb dumplings and crusty bread. 
Our next stop was the wishing tree where I made a Christmas wish for my lost boys. I took many photographs around the castle. Some are stunning especially the one of the rocking horse. Their are also a couple of photograph which have added extras. See what you think one seems to have a multitude of orbs above and the other hard to explain I have called that one the spirits of the tree. I hope you enjoy viewing this blog it quite special. Happy Christmas to all at Chirk Castle who work continually to make this castle so special for visitors like myself. Look forward to visiting again in the New Year.

Message on the tree for my boys miss them so very much :( 

spirits of the tree


stunning photograph