Saturday, December 22, 2012

A Christmas Wish

Its been 5 years this Christmas / New Year  since my precious 10 year old Daniel lost his fight for life. 
I can relive every second of the time he fell ill to the official time he died like it was yesterday.
I have found it so very hard this year he would have been 15 years old.

Baby Callum, my first child would have been 16, as I can do with Daniel I can relive every minute surrounding the sad death of my full term baby that lived a mere 4 1/2 hours. Traumatic times live with you forever with haunting memories and flash backs.
I often wonder what both the boys would look like now. How their own personality' s would have developed, what they would have been like.

Losing a child takes its toll on you. One of Daniel`s teachers once said to me. He could tell by a parents face they had lost a child no matter what age as they have a haunted look on their face. 
This year I have found it so difficult I have been unable to write out cards as it feels very wrong. Leaving the names of my children off  the tears just well up. I just can not write them out or look at them. I have received quite a few, thank you for them I can look at the ones I am sent but can not physically hold a pen without the sick feeling of grief over whelming me.
Another think I have found hard is opening presents I have been given. Its the paper recently we had a secret Santa at work. I struggled so hard to open my present ( the present was lovely I really liked it ) it was the paper. With a lump in my throat I fought to hold back the tears. 
I know why I cant bear to have wrapped presents for myself, its because after Daniel had died on the New Years Eve I came home to many of his unopened Christmas presents under the Christmas Tree. Christmas presents he would never open. This still haunts me to this day. I can wrap presents up and watch other people open theirs but I cant bear any of my presents wrapped. The pain in my heart it way to much.
Recently we visited the grave of my boys, my dad and my Uncle and Aunt for Christmas below is how it looks for Christmas It is full of festive colours. I must admit I had a bit of a melt down after visiting thing that had been coming on all week.
My Christmas wish would be for my boys to be with me at Christmas opening their presents like every other child in the world on Christmas Day. 

Nobody understands how it feels to lose a child, unless you have been through it yourself. I no many parents who have lost children they all feel the same. Its a loss like no other. Those people close to me who new me at the time seem to have a great understanding. Most of my old friend`s and family can see through the smiles and just have to look at my eyes to see the pain.
The loss of a child is like no other loss. As a parent you are suppose to protect your child is natural instinct, well for most of us parents. To watch your child suffer then die in front of your eyes where you feel so helpless unable to help them scars you for life. You have to learn to live with the death of your child not get over it, there is no way you can get over it ever. 
Christmas is so hard for all of us who have lost children no matter how old they were when they died. 
My heart and thoughts are with anyone who this has happened to. 
I am trying so hard to think how my boys would not want me to be in the place I find myself at the moment and the place where I have been over the last few weeks. They would want me to be happy and enjoy the coming days. I do hope I can for them.
Love always my babies Daniel and Callum  Love Mummy xxxx

Some of you may not like what I have written about the negativity of death.  But this is a fact how such tragic events effect you. Unless you have been through this yourself do not judge others who have !

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