I have found it so very hard this year he would have been 15 years old.
Baby Callum, my first child would have been 16, as I can do with Daniel I can relive every minute surrounding the sad death of my full term baby that lived a mere 4 1/2 hours. Traumatic times live with you forever with haunting memories and flash backs.
I often wonder what both the boys would look like now. How their own personality' s would have developed, what they would have been like.
Losing a child takes its toll on you. One of Daniel`s teachers once said to me. He could tell by a parents face they had lost a child no matter what age as they have a haunted look on their face.
This year I have found it so difficult I have been unable to write out cards as it feels very wrong. Leaving the names of my children off the tears just well up. I just can not write them out or look at them. I have received quite a few, thank you for them I can look at the ones I am sent but can not physically hold a pen without the sick feeling of grief over whelming me.
Another think I have found hard is opening presents I have been given. Its the paper recently we had a secret Santa at work. I struggled so hard to open my present ( the present was lovely I really liked it ) it was the paper. With a lump in my throat I fought to hold back the tears.
I know why I cant bear to have wrapped presents for myself, its because after Daniel had died on the New Years Eve I came home to many of his unopened Christmas presents under the Christmas Tree. Christmas presents he would never open. This still haunts me to this day. I can wrap presents up and watch other people open theirs but I cant bear any of my presents wrapped. The pain in my heart it way to much.
Recently we visited the grave of my boys, my dad and my Uncle and Aunt for Christmas below is how it looks for Christmas It is full of festive colours. I must admit I had a bit of a melt down after visiting thing that had been coming on all week.
My Christmas wish would be for my boys to be with me at Christmas opening their presents like every other child in the world on Christmas Day.